Good Morning, Mr President

BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT!

I'm so happy I just can't even tell you. The world has been saved from the embarrassing tyranny of George W. Bush. How we lasted 8 years under that fool, I'll never understand. But luckily, we did. && for a while, it was a close call. Bush #2 almost made it to the White House. (On a slightly different note; How much of a clone is he?! If you actually close your eyes while he's talking, you can't even tell if it's him or Bush. It's crazy! I bet the Republicans just have a secret underground lair where they churn out the DNA of idiots && create hundreds of George W. Bush clones.)

Anyway...Back to Barack...(Could have used a mildly racist play on words, using the title of a certain out-of-control Jazz singer's album...but I'm not that kind of girl)

He's an actual living legend. The world has been promised a new beginning && I can't believe how lucky I am to be a part of it. From now on, we have a chance to wake up && rectify the terrible situations we find ourselves in at the moment. Throughout the next 4 years, I'm certainly going to be following him && supporting him all the way. Please bring back the American Dream, but also the Dream of the rest of the World. It's something we all deserve.

Obama: Change We Can Believe In.

It's Been A While

After receiving many emails from many outraged && impatient readers of this blog, (Ok, it's just the blog's one faithful reader: Michael) I have decided to update.

Holland, as usual, was great. I met new people, talked to old 'friends' && generally had fun. I'm sure the Dutchies love me...(They just manage to hide it particularly well at times).

Moved into our new Uni house. It's in the middle of Mini Pakistan && to be honest, I think it's great! It's freezing because we're students && we're too cheap to turn the central heating on yet, but apart from that, it's all good. I've never been part of a 'Multi-Cultural Society' before, but I guess it's ok. It's a complete culture shock when moving from Guisborough, but I haven't been forced to convert to Muslimism or join a Hareem as yet. (I see these as positive points).

I have decided that Waterstones is the 'Shop of the Devil'. I apologise Michael, but they represent everything that is going wrong in the world. (As well as a book-selling establishment can). I can't quite put my finger on what I blame them for, but I just know the downfall of society is centered on them.

Uni is as good as I remembered it to be! I love being here! (I don't love everything...eg: Mark Dooley (slowly learning to appreciate him), 'Thinking About Representation' presentations (although I can talk about 'Memoirs Of A Geisha' which should be loads of fun) && certain annoying class-mates...Not to mention the incoherent ramblings of Dave Taylor) However, simply being within a 2 mile radius of the living legend that is Cris Yelland, is enough to cheer anyone up.

After failing my first Driving Theory Test by 1 point...ONE POINT!!! I Managed to pass last week, so I'm one step closer to unadulterated freedom (although I'm thinking of swapping it all for a motorbike...) Wish me luck for my test in December (Note to self: book Driving Test).

I got told that my writing on Myspace was poignant, which I've taken as a huge compliment && has made me all the more determined to do something with my writing (whether or not talent is present).

Current obsessions include:
Hell's Angels && Harley Davidson Bikes (&& 'Sons Of Anarchy),
The Geisha of Japan,
Barack Obama,
Katey Sagal.

Your thoughts on these obsessions are welcome (unless they are negatory, in which case, I won't be reading them. However, freedom of speech is allowed here).

The Girl With The Broken Smile is always there; haunting you. Taunting you with half forgotten memories of a changed heart. You thought she had been dismissed, but it looks as though you cannot escape. She has attached herself to the sea of depression you feel is always lurking, just beneath the surface. A sort of "Stockholm Syndrome" begins to take place, before you wake up from this nightmare && find yourself in another nightmare. Except that this time, you realise that it's your reality. && the Girl With The Broken Smile isn't some tragic figment of your imagination. She is you...

Oh! The Irony Of It...

I was invited to a music quiz at the pub earlier by a friend from Uni. I said I'd ask my parents for a lift (curse me && my inability to successfully operate an automobile!) && get back to her. The asking part went alright...it was just the parents that got in the way.

Answer me this; if your daughter asked for a lift, what would be the first thing you would do? Yes, that's right - have a bottle of wine! Ok, so that's that then. No trip to the music quiz for this former social retard.

Cue this MMS from friend at pub:
"This is what you're missing!"
Except, wait a minute...I can't even open MMS messages on my phone, which means...I Have No Idea What I'm Missing! I've Missed It Again! Am I Never To Know The Nature Of What I Missed? I Missed The Thing I Was Forced To Miss By My Alcoholic Parents...I have to say that the irony has not been lost on me - That's for sure!

There's just one thing I'd like to clear up at this point:
My parents aren't alcoholics...just for the record. They never have been, && maybe not ever be.
They're just incredibly selfish.

(Unrelated topic: Character development has begun. May end up as novel. May end up as screenplay. Early stages, so may even end up in the bin.)

xXx

Warning: Not To Be Read By Those Who Have A Life...

Ok, so I realised I hadn't been on here for ages, && I thought that I should get back to it.
So much has changed since I last 'blogged'...

For instance, I am a complete cliche: I'm a completely new person. I have absolutely no idea how, where, when or why this happened, but for the first time in a long time, I'm actually happy. Like almost 100%. I actually LIKE being me. Now, for those of you who don't know me (&& for those of you who do), I'm nothing particularly special; not particularly smart, or funny...but, I'm me, && right now that seems like a good thing for me to be.

I've been thinking a lot about the future && things that I want to achieve. Like, I used to be the person who, whenever some obscure family member asked what I wanted to do when I "grow up", I'd grin like a fool and say 'I have no idea...'. Then, they'd give up any remaining sliver of hope they had for me && move on to the more familiar area of questionning: 'So, do you have a boyfriend?'...Anyway, I digress...Ever since I started at Uni, I've been innanely toying with the idea of becoming a writer. The only thing is, that being surrounded by a group of people who are so self-obsessed with themselves && their ideas && skills, kind of puts you off. It buries you && makes you feel so inadequate that you give up on yourself, just as those obscure family members did not so long ago. So for a while, the ideas I had didn't seem good enough && the skills I had seemed comparable to those of a 5-year-old child. But, the thing is...I'm not a literary retard; I never have been. I'm just seriously lacking in the self-confidence area. Or I was...I don't feel like I am anymore. I don't even know if I'll follow the whole novelist route - how about a script writer? In Hollywood? Why not? Who or what is going to stop me? Exactly, nothing (I'm not in denial - I promise...)

Another thing...I just read the last post about my ideal guy. What a load of fucking nothingness. What the hell kind of thing was I smoking when I was that desperate? (At this point, I'd like to point out that I've never smoked anything, of any kind...which only goes to show that I was completely desperate && not high in any way, shape or form). I don't need anyone. I really don't. I'm happy being on my own - God knows, I've had enough practice at it, but well. Everything will be ok. I'll do the whole Married...With Children thing (preferably without Al Bundy), but change'll come when it does, right, Katey?! haha.

Omg - hope has been granted in the form of this guy called Lou Cass. He's in charge of running Katey Sagal's Myspace page && I wrote to him asking him to send her to Europe. (Well, obviously not like that. It was a polite request...) && he said that he'll send it to her today!!! Hopefully I'll get to see her perform live. Will it beat seeing Dolly? Hmmm, we'll have to wait && see. (On a completely unrelated topic, those 2 living legends share the same birthday - I know I'm a geek - so what? It keeps me happy...)

Well, I guess I've rambled on for long enough. I don't think anyone actually reads this thing, so I'll read it myself. Whatever keeps you entertained, right? I'll make sure the next post is more intellectually adequate && humorous...I'm talking to you, Jenna.

Please don't hate me. It's 2.42 on a Sunday morning && I've been listening to Katey Sagal for the past 2 hours && 42 minutes...It's either (good) madness or ecstasy, I haven't decided yet.

xXx

Please Come && Mend The Broken Smile

How long will it be before I find someone?!
Is it so hard to meet my ideal person?
Actually...what is my ideal person?
Hmmm...

The cuteness of Mika.
The depth of Amy Winehouse.
The adaptability of Johnny Depp.
The magic of Marilyn Monroe.
The humour of Russell Brand.
The heartache of Judy Garland.
The musicality of Mark Ronson.
The loyalty of The Bound Beggars.

That's kind of a weird combination, if I'm honest, but somehow - it's exactly what I'm looking for. I keep getting told that I should just wait for love to find me, but to be honest, I'm sick of waiting.

"Where are you already?! Hurry up and find me! I want my Happy Ending!"

In the words of the great Bohemians: "The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn, Is Just To Love, && Be Loved In Return..."

This Is The Way You Left Me: I'm Not Pretending...

Living in Middlesbrough seems to have taken its toll on this weary mind. Everything about the place is grey...or grey. Even the people look as though they gave up on life in 1985. No-one seems to care anymore, about anything at all. The only thing that has brought a smile to my face in the past few weeks was seeing this, graffitied on the wall of PoundLand:


I chose to use the slogan in a poem I wrote about Middlesbrough for my Creative Writing journal. I can't remember the whole poem, but the line itself went something like this:
"Mallon's Youth, but he doesn't seem to care"
I'm sure I'll post the whole thing when I get it back...Might as well - I'll still be living here, won't I? As I explained in the poem though, it's not that I hate Middlesbrough - it's a lovely place, it's just the cloud of despair which hangs like a mist, following it's citizens.

I've tried to be happy here, I really have, but there are just too many things attacking every part of mind. I can sum it up in a conversation I had with Michael (who was talking to himself at the time):

Me: Why are you doing that?
Michael: Why not? Don't you do it? Listen to the little voices inside your
head?
Me: No.
Michael: Why?
Me: Cos they always shout at me.

It's like there's an ongoing battle in my head between me and whoever else it is in there. It's just like P!nk once said: "It's bad when you annoy yourself; so irratating. Don't wanna be my friend no more: I wanna be somebody else!"

Perhaps these are just ramblings, but then again, I'm the girl with the broken smile, so perhaps I'm allowed to ramble.

"No hope, no love, no glory. No Happy Ending."

It's 'Hump Day' as some call it. No, this is not an opportunity to fornicate with anyone you meet; simply the middle day of the week. I'm afraid it's all downhill from here.

As I'm sitting here, in the green hell of my student housing, (My idea of Hell = eating, sleeping, working, brushing your teeth, all in the same place!) I find myself in the age-old predicament of procrastinating. It's not even as if I have to find some obscure quote on Modernism from the 1930's, or anything...Yet...but still, even writing poetry for my journal is taking a back seat to listening to my iTunes playlist. How is it that the songs you find yourself connecting with the most, are all stories of sadness and despair. How come you never connect with a song like Dragostea Din Tea? (Now, I'm not saying I don't love that song; because I do, (immensely) I simply mean that I have no emotional attachment to it. In the words of that Knight of the Realm, Sir Elton John, Sad Songs (Say So Much). Too much, in some cases. I've not had this computer long, but there are certainly some songs which get played a lot more regularly than others. These, for example, are the top 10 songs on my beloved iTunes:

1. Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own
2. Christina Aguilera - Fighter
3. Katey Sagal - Daddy's Girl
4. Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
5. Kate Nash - Foundations
6. Meat Loaf - Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad
7. Amy Winehouse - Wake Up Alone
8. Johnny Cash - Hurt
9. Katey Sagal - Life Goes Around
10. Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You

It may not be a particularly 'high brow' list of music, but each and every one of these songs means something extremely special to me, or at least induces some level of poignancy within me. There aren't enough hours in the day to explain why, but I think that the above choices make my point quite clear. (Although I'm not actually sure whether or not I have a point...) As I'm writing this, Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls has just started playing...And, in fact, I think THAT makes my point.